Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars