I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it