I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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