Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We need a shit load of segways right now
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.