when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?