So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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