yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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