I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
