I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize