walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
