while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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