We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
