my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
