My cat gives me a boner
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
