The maid of honor just puked.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
