I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
