Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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