what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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