wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
