Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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