can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
