My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
