my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
