Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
