we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
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They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
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Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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