got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
