i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
