I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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