Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
