it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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