where does the pee come out of this thing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
