i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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