Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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