I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
