Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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