it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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