You're earring is so big in my mouth
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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