If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
