According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
