I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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