3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
