You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
