I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
