youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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