FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
