I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
