my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
