Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
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