i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
