no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
