How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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