you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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