I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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