my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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