Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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