I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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