When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
