Duck Duck Cougar?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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