I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
