i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
