he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
